Tuesday, November 11, 2008

don't even know where to start

my brain is full ... literally. there are so many things i want to write down on here ... all the amazing things i learned at youth specialties, the direction i'm hoping our youth ministry will head, the great times jamie and i, the 'interesting' road trip back ...

then there's all my thoughts and emotions surrounding the death of my grandfather. my family has this unique ability to deal with tough times with humor. i think i laughed harder than i cried this weekend. there are so many stories i'd like to put down here but i cannot sort them all.

i don't know if i can put into words all the things bouncing around in my head right now.

all i do know is that i do not feel like myself in all this. i feel exhausted all the time, on the verge of tears at all times, unmotivated to do anything, and fairly irritable at all times

the crazy part is that i was feeling these things even before i heard about my grandfather's death. so all of the emotions from his death and funeral have just added another layer (or 5) on top of who i am ...

i am so grateful for all of your prayers and thoughts for my family and myself this past weekend. i had relative strangers posting their condolences and prayers on my facebook and sending me texts. even some of my high schoolers were texting me the day of the funeral, not sure what to say but expressing their support as best they could.

i will say that it was almost impossible to say goodbye to my grandfather. he was an amazing man, and touched the lives of everyone he ever met. the pastors at his funeral did not have to make up anything or enhance his personality, at all, to have nice things to say. you know at some funerals, everyone sitting there knows the person who died wasn't half as saintly as the pastor is making them out to be. this time around, i was disappointed they didn't say enough about him.

he was buried in his alabama crimson tide blazer, tie and slippers. he was a huge football fan. alabama was his team forever. i realize now that my passion for sports was bred into me from the time i was a little girl. i'll never forget being at his house at thanksgiving, sitting in the living room with my grandfather and my uncles watching college football and having all my questions about the game answered. my loyalties may have moved from college football to major league baseball, but the passion is still there.

i'm so grateful that my grandfather was a christian and i will see him again in heaven one day. i've had more discussions about heaven in the past week then i've had in a long time. all these questions and guesses about what heaven is actually like. and none of them have any answers. we are so tied to our identity here on earth. we think about how great it will be to have conversations in heaven with the disciples and the apostle paul. or brave missionaries, evangelists, even our grandfather. but all the things that define us on earth no longer matter in heaven. so will we still know who people are in heaven? will i know my grandfather? will he know me? or will we just be 2 people in heaven, casting our crowns before Jesus' throne and praising the holiness of God?

it's no wonder i cannot sort all the thoughts out in my head to put them down on paper.

thank you again for your support and comfort. i'm so grateful i was with my bible study girls when i got the news. i cannot imagine being by myself or being at work or at youth group. i'm so grateful the timing worked out like it did. imagine if we hadn't decided to move our bible study to wednesday nights. imagine if i didn't turn down covering for another life::group at youth group? i'm so thankful for God's timing...