it's a new year

i know everyone is big on new year's resolutions this time of year. and i'm not big on making them (i get that from my father i'm pretty sure) because a week after you make them, you have failed and things are back the way they used to be...

while i am not making any official resolutions this year, i am hoping to live better and strive to be a better person.

living better for me means:
1) i'm going to say "no" more often - so that i do not become easily overwhelmed and stressed out
2) eating healthier (far less buffalo chicken dip and no bake cookies for me)
3) spending less money on non-essential things.

striving to be a better person means:
1) spending more time in God's Word and becoming a woman of prayer
2) building lasting relationships with some teenagers; relationships that make a difference and help teens survive high school and become prepared to take on college and the world
3) continuing to develop the amazing relationships i have with the women in my small group. we have been though so many difficult things this year and it has brought us so much closer together. difficulties including deaths of family members, loss of jobs, loss of foster children, loss of relationships (just to name a few). i'm excited to see what this year brings for us and am hopeful for a less dramatic year!

one of the best things that happened in 2008 was having all my brother's home for Christmas. We have not all been together since 2001. 7 years ago, if i were being honest, i would easily admit, i didn't even LIKE my siblings, much less love them and miss having them around. since then, we've all moved out of the home, all left the church of our childhood, had 2 weddings, 2 births, 1 divorce, more moves that i can count, 2 tours to Iraq, a prison sentence, grave illness, funerals and thousands of amazing memories.

through all of this, we have truly become a family. i think the physical distance has drawn us closer together. i'm proud of the men my brothers have become and the men they continue to strive to be.

looking forward to 2009 and all the possibilities in store.

don't even know where to start

my brain is full ... literally. there are so many things i want to write down on here ... all the amazing things i learned at youth specialties, the direction i'm hoping our youth ministry will head, the great times jamie and i, the 'interesting' road trip back ...

then there's all my thoughts and emotions surrounding the death of my grandfather. my family has this unique ability to deal with tough times with humor. i think i laughed harder than i cried this weekend. there are so many stories i'd like to put down here but i cannot sort them all.

i don't know if i can put into words all the things bouncing around in my head right now.

all i do know is that i do not feel like myself in all this. i feel exhausted all the time, on the verge of tears at all times, unmotivated to do anything, and fairly irritable at all times

the crazy part is that i was feeling these things even before i heard about my grandfather's death. so all of the emotions from his death and funeral have just added another layer (or 5) on top of who i am ...

i am so grateful for all of your prayers and thoughts for my family and myself this past weekend. i had relative strangers posting their condolences and prayers on my facebook and sending me texts. even some of my high schoolers were texting me the day of the funeral, not sure what to say but expressing their support as best they could.

i will say that it was almost impossible to say goodbye to my grandfather. he was an amazing man, and touched the lives of everyone he ever met. the pastors at his funeral did not have to make up anything or enhance his personality, at all, to have nice things to say. you know at some funerals, everyone sitting there knows the person who died wasn't half as saintly as the pastor is making them out to be. this time around, i was disappointed they didn't say enough about him.

he was buried in his alabama crimson tide blazer, tie and slippers. he was a huge football fan. alabama was his team forever. i realize now that my passion for sports was bred into me from the time i was a little girl. i'll never forget being at his house at thanksgiving, sitting in the living room with my grandfather and my uncles watching college football and having all my questions about the game answered. my loyalties may have moved from college football to major league baseball, but the passion is still there.

i'm so grateful that my grandfather was a christian and i will see him again in heaven one day. i've had more discussions about heaven in the past week then i've had in a long time. all these questions and guesses about what heaven is actually like. and none of them have any answers. we are so tied to our identity here on earth. we think about how great it will be to have conversations in heaven with the disciples and the apostle paul. or brave missionaries, evangelists, even our grandfather. but all the things that define us on earth no longer matter in heaven. so will we still know who people are in heaven? will i know my grandfather? will he know me? or will we just be 2 people in heaven, casting our crowns before Jesus' throne and praising the holiness of God?

it's no wonder i cannot sort all the thoughts out in my head to put them down on paper.

thank you again for your support and comfort. i'm so grateful i was with my bible study girls when i got the news. i cannot imagine being by myself or being at work or at youth group. i'm so grateful the timing worked out like it did. imagine if we hadn't decided to move our bible study to wednesday nights. imagine if i didn't turn down covering for another life::group at youth group? i'm so thankful for God's timing...

hugs,
r

well, top ten lists seem to be popular this week in the blog world ... so i guess it's my turn to create one (i'm not sure i can come up with 10 ...)

i do know it's been an emotional few weeks for me ... so here are the things that have made me cry lately (not in any major order)

• the final game @ yankee stadium on Sunday night ... this could probably count for half of my 10 ...

1. when bernie williams made his 1st appearance at the stadium since 2006,
   
2. when bobby murcer's widow & 2 kids walked out to center field,
   
3. when jorge posada came out to catch the 1st pitch, even though he had surgery earlier this year and couldn't play in the game
4. when babe ruth's daughter threw out the 1st pitch
5. when derek jeter made his speech from the pitcher's mound after the yankees won the game ... (click the link, you know you want to watch it)
6. when the yankees tipped their caps to the fans and then walked around the entire field
7. when getting ready for work on Monday morning and the radio guys were talking about Jeter's speech and replayed it - yep I cried again
8. when talking to a co-worker about the game on Monday
   

• a difficult conversation with my best friend
• the ending of the book "The Friday Night Knitting Club"
• 2 movies "PS I Love You" and "The Martian Child"
• becoming overwhelmed with work and all the new projects i'm being asked to do

well i think that's enough tears for me for awhile. (i count 12, so that's even more than the required 10) for whatever reason it was a long, emotional, exhausting summer for me. i thought that once fall came around, things would get easier.

i know that all my tears for a baseball game might get me laughed at, but the yankees and yankee stadium are a part of me. i don't know how else to describe it. my honest answer to the question, where is your favorite place to be is 'yankee stadium' ... there's nothing quite like being apart of 55,000 people, yelling at the top of your lungs, jumping up and down when someone hits a home run or makes a spectacular play ... high fiving and hugging perfect strangers ...

some of my best memories from the past 9 years have been at Yankee Stadium. if the city of NY decides to tear down the stadium, i may have to take that day off of work. i might just be inconsolable