Wednesday, October 17, 2012

blindsided

Today was a pretty normal day. Work went about as well as it could for a Wednesday (every Wednesday is a meeting day).  Left on time, got home, walked Riley, ate a little dinner and headed off to church for our mid-week book study.  I really am enjoying this book study - we are going through a book called The Drama of Scripture and the guy leading it is young, very knowledgeable,  a good teacher and the class has been a good one so far.

Anyways, things were going really well. Until the teacher asks his first question of the night "If you could ask God just one question, right now, tonight, what would it be?"  

And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, tears filled my eyes and for a second, it even felt hard to breathe

Because my thoughts automatically went to my dad.  

My faith in God is solid and I believe without a doubt, that God is in control and His timing is perfect.  But when I honestly ask myself what question would I ask God, the question would be about the timing of my dad's death.  Why was this year the year for him to die?  Why was it so sudden that I was not able to say good-bye?  

A part of me knows the answers already.  Because it was God's perfect timing.  Because if asked, Dad would have said he would have wanted to go fast, to not be in pain, etc. 

I do believe the Bible when it clearly says in Job 14:5 "Since his days are determined, The number of his months is with You; And his limits You have set so that he cannot pass."  and Psalm 139:16 "Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them."

But knowing it doesn't stop the pain; doesn't stop the automatic tears

I think these are the moments I continue to dread.  The times when something will trigger a memory or a question (like tonight) and I will be blindsided by my grief

Please continue to pray for my family and me.  We are healing, but at times like tonight, the pain is as real and as fresh as it was on August 3rd.

While you are praying for us, please also continue to pray for friends of our family in KY; who lost their  7 week old baby boy a few weeks prior to my dad's death.

Their grief and sorrow are on a whole different level than ours; I cannot begin to fathom how they manage during the times when they are blindsided by grief

3 comments:

Amy said...

This made me cry. Sending you lots of good thoughts today. All the love. (I have some questions I'd ask God, too. The minute you posted that, I thought of one and it made me weepy, too. I understand completely. You're a lot stronger than I am.)

Michelle Smallin said...

Praying for you and your family Rach. And for your friend and their family. He will meet you in your need and longs to draw near to you and comfort your heart. He is the Comforter....asking that you are filled with peace and joy and hope in Him. Love you sister!

Ruth McFarland said...

Blindsided, it's a perfect word. Just out of nowhere the pain comes and doesn't stop. Prayers continue to go up for you and your family....and the family who lost their little one. These things make me have a longing for the place where there will be no more tears. Until then, may Jesus comfort your heart, especially during those moments you feel blindsided.