over a year?

Well I can't believe it's been over a year since I blogged last! I think with the increased usage of Twitter and Facebook, I guess I didn't have anything that important over 140 characters to blog about.

Tonight, while I'm enjoying a quiet Friday night at home ... laundry is done, TV watching caught up on, dog sleeping at my feet, I'm feeling a little introspective.

These last few weeks have been very interesting to me. I feel like I'm at this huge crossroads with my life. I have made some decisions, and while they are still about 2 years in the future and who knows what could change in those 2 years, I do feel a little more settled about where I see myself in the proverbial 5 years. It's certainly a different scenario that I would have guessed.

More than anything, I think I've come to realize that the last several years for me have been more about me biding my time than accomplishing much of anything. Biding my time, and I'm not even really sure what I've been waiting for.

I've decided that my job is not one that I see myself retiring from. I have made peace about many aspects of it and have been able to be honest with my boss and my staff about how I feel. It feels good to know that even if I have to stick it out for 2 more years until all my debt is paid off, after that, the possibilities seem endless. And that is fairly freeing.

Now it's just a matter of seeing if what I have planned for my future and what God has in store with me align. And this, my friends, is not an easy area for me. I am a very decisive person; I usually can see quickly through all options and make a clear, concise decision. But in this case, just because I may have made some decisions, doesn't necessarily mean I have the power to bring them all to fruition on my own. Thus, the waiting on God.

I know this seems really mysterious and it's sadly not ... It's not like I'm contemplating moving to Africa to work with orphans or Alaska to hang with Sarah Palin ... but there was a time when I thought I would live my entire life in NY. And now, I'm not so sure that's what I want ...

I'm not sure if this blog is worthy of the "wait" for over a year, and who knows if I still have any readers left... but it does feel good to get some things down on paper. And if I were smart, I'd start taking my buddy Jeremy's advice and I'd find myself journaling

Hopefully I won't take another year to post my next entry on here.

divine gentleness

in the past month or so, i've been attempting to do a study in the Bible on the fruits of the spirit. i have one of those old school Thompson Chain Reference Bibles that's about 30 lbs and could kill a small child ... it has an amazing concordance in the back with all the passages that link together, etc.

so i made it through kindness and have moved onto gentleness this week.

in the concordance, it's classified as Divine Gentleness. Reading the passages that related in the Old Testament brought me to this passage.

Isaiah 42:3 says "A bruised reed He will not break; and a dimly burning wick He will not extinguish"

it took me a little while to ponder this to understand what this had to do with gentleness. the conclusion i came to is that when God is showing gentleness, He does not cut down that which is damaged. A bruised reed and a smoking wick are almost completely useless. A smoking wick is almost died out and it's really hard to re-light it. but God will not extinguish it. He still has a purpose for it and He still can heal it and restore it to it's original use.

i guess to me i would have always thought this pointed to the mercy of God, but not so much His gentleness.

so this week i'm going to work on exhibiting some of this divine gentleness. it's hard for me, i'm so judgemental at times. when i see someone who is failing and struggling, my first instict is to judge them and think harshly about them.

i'm working on this

letter from the bush twins to the obama girls

just heard about this letter - it's very sweet to read, and even made me cry a little bit ... MSNBC also has a newclip they did on their website

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB123239885943895155.html

Spontaneity

so normally, i like to plan things out, in as far advance as i can ... but i'm finding that more often, being spontaneous leads to better times!! the longer i plan something out, the more i can obsess about it, and plan for every thing that could or couldn't happen (i'm guessing that's the "C" in me coming out - you GF people will know what that means).

so my friend christine and i started talking about going to see chris tomlin in philadelphia back in november. but it was just a passing conversation like "we should go to philly to see chris tomlin in january" "yeah that would be tons of fun" and that was about it.

well on thursday of last week, we decided to actually go to philly to see the concert. on friday, i got the tickets, she found a great hotel at an even better price, i planned to drive and she planned to get snacks.

we had it all planned out in about 30 minutes and it ended up being a great trip!

we left on Sunday after 1st service, made it to Philadelphia in great time, checked into the hotel, did a little shopping / exploring (i love this city!!), ate dinner and then made our way to the concert.

what an amazing show!! i was a little wary of the opening band, israel and new breed,
since their most famous song is "I Am a Friend of God" and since that's not a particularly favorite song of mine (a lot due to my friend Jeremy's dance) i wasn't sure what to expect. well other than playing that dang song as soon as we walked into the Electric Factor, they were a pretty amazing band! lots of soul and gospel music, very talented musicians and tons of energy. they were a decent opening band

chris tomlin rocked. i have no other words. it was the best i've seen him - and i've seen him quite a few times before - he was funny, a little sarcastic, full of energy and played all the songs i was hoping to hear.

what was so cool about being at the Electric Factory was seeing the diversity in the room! there were lots of people predictably older than me, but just as many my age or unexpectedly younger. Every other chris tomlin show i've been to has had a predominantly white audience. This time, it was a lot more diverse! I'm not sure how many people were there, it holds 2500-3000 people. i'm guessing there were around 2000 there ... it was awesome to hear "how great is our God" being sung by everyone (but the band)!! a small taste of heaven perhaps

all in all, the trip was very short - we stayed over and left by 8AM on Monday but so much fun!! and definitely worth the 4 hr trip each way!

moral of this story: rachael needs to add more spontaneity to her life!!

final thought: in the immortal words of j.mulder at soulfest a few years ago: "chris tomlin is God's worship leader"

it's a new year

i know everyone is big on new year's resolutions this time of year. and i'm not big on making them (i get that from my father i'm pretty sure) because a week after you make them, you have failed and things are back the way they used to be...

while i am not making any official resolutions this year, i am hoping to live better and strive to be a better person.

living better for me means:
1) i'm going to say "no" more often - so that i do not become easily overwhelmed and stressed out
2) eating healthier (far less buffalo chicken dip and no bake cookies for me)
3) spending less money on non-essential things.

striving to be a better person means:
1) spending more time in God's Word and becoming a woman of prayer
2) building lasting relationships with some teenagers; relationships that make a difference and help teens survive high school and become prepared to take on college and the world
3) continuing to develop the amazing relationships i have with the women in my small group. we have been though so many difficult things this year and it has brought us so much closer together. difficulties including deaths of family members, loss of jobs, loss of foster children, loss of relationships (just to name a few). i'm excited to see what this year brings for us and am hopeful for a less dramatic year!

one of the best things that happened in 2008 was having all my brother's home for Christmas. We have not all been together since 2001. 7 years ago, if i were being honest, i would easily admit, i didn't even LIKE my siblings, much less love them and miss having them around. since then, we've all moved out of the home, all left the church of our childhood, had 2 weddings, 2 births, 1 divorce, more moves that i can count, 2 tours to Iraq, a prison sentence, grave illness, funerals and thousands of amazing memories.

through all of this, we have truly become a family. i think the physical distance has drawn us closer together. i'm proud of the men my brothers have become and the men they continue to strive to be.

looking forward to 2009 and all the possibilities in store.

Reindeer Poo For Christmas?

Anyone else here about this? If anyone was wondering what to buy me for Christmas, please leave this OFF your list of ideas!! :)

http://www.week.com/news/local/35427334.html

The holidays are near... and many of us are searching high and low for the perfect gift. The Miller Park Zoo has a special package for you to consider. It' is reindeer poop... eww for some... but not at Bloomington's Miller Park Zoo this winter. Oh no! The little nuggets are specially treated to bring holiday cheer. It's a lot of work... but a work of love.
Susie Ohley goes home every night and spends hours of her own time making the doo-doo into beautiful presents... "I dry all the droppings out. Then I spray it with about 6 coats of clear acrylic paint. Then we paint it with glitter and all different colors. I've been beading them by hand". The Magical Reindeer Gem Ornaments are then put on display and are actually quite sought after items for holiday gifts. The zoo has received requests for the ornaments from all across the U-S. A fitting present from one of Santa's Favorite animals. In Bloomington,
The ornaments sell for 5 dollars and all the proceeds go to the zoo. You can only buy two a person and you have to go to the zoo gift shop.

don't even know where to start

my brain is full ... literally. there are so many things i want to write down on here ... all the amazing things i learned at youth specialties, the direction i'm hoping our youth ministry will head, the great times jamie and i, the 'interesting' road trip back ...

then there's all my thoughts and emotions surrounding the death of my grandfather. my family has this unique ability to deal with tough times with humor. i think i laughed harder than i cried this weekend. there are so many stories i'd like to put down here but i cannot sort them all.

i don't know if i can put into words all the things bouncing around in my head right now.

all i do know is that i do not feel like myself in all this. i feel exhausted all the time, on the verge of tears at all times, unmotivated to do anything, and fairly irritable at all times

the crazy part is that i was feeling these things even before i heard about my grandfather's death. so all of the emotions from his death and funeral have just added another layer (or 5) on top of who i am ...

i am so grateful for all of your prayers and thoughts for my family and myself this past weekend. i had relative strangers posting their condolences and prayers on my facebook and sending me texts. even some of my high schoolers were texting me the day of the funeral, not sure what to say but expressing their support as best they could.

i will say that it was almost impossible to say goodbye to my grandfather. he was an amazing man, and touched the lives of everyone he ever met. the pastors at his funeral did not have to make up anything or enhance his personality, at all, to have nice things to say. you know at some funerals, everyone sitting there knows the person who died wasn't half as saintly as the pastor is making them out to be. this time around, i was disappointed they didn't say enough about him.

he was buried in his alabama crimson tide blazer, tie and slippers. he was a huge football fan. alabama was his team forever. i realize now that my passion for sports was bred into me from the time i was a little girl. i'll never forget being at his house at thanksgiving, sitting in the living room with my grandfather and my uncles watching college football and having all my questions about the game answered. my loyalties may have moved from college football to major league baseball, but the passion is still there.

i'm so grateful that my grandfather was a christian and i will see him again in heaven one day. i've had more discussions about heaven in the past week then i've had in a long time. all these questions and guesses about what heaven is actually like. and none of them have any answers. we are so tied to our identity here on earth. we think about how great it will be to have conversations in heaven with the disciples and the apostle paul. or brave missionaries, evangelists, even our grandfather. but all the things that define us on earth no longer matter in heaven. so will we still know who people are in heaven? will i know my grandfather? will he know me? or will we just be 2 people in heaven, casting our crowns before Jesus' throne and praising the holiness of God?

it's no wonder i cannot sort all the thoughts out in my head to put them down on paper.

thank you again for your support and comfort. i'm so grateful i was with my bible study girls when i got the news. i cannot imagine being by myself or being at work or at youth group. i'm so grateful the timing worked out like it did. imagine if we hadn't decided to move our bible study to wednesday nights. imagine if i didn't turn down covering for another life::group at youth group? i'm so thankful for God's timing...

hugs,
r